Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Even Mommy Gets Sad: My Tantrum

The time is now for me to get off my chest something that has been brewing and completely become a thorn in my side recently.

Please know that what I am about to share with you has little to do with parenting but more so to do with the importance of being a parent trying to manage emotions while maintaining a cool demeanor so that we don't lose it in front of our children or get them upset unnecessarily.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not advocating that we never share our emotions with our kids. We absolutely should. It's important for them to know that mommy, and daddy, get sad sometimes, upset, and even angry. We are all human and we have feelings, and sometimes they get the better of us.

However, when our children are young and not fully understanding of what we may be going through, and that it may require a great deal more explanation than it's worth, sometimes it may be best to find other outlets -- such as writing a blog, talking with a friend, or crying it out -- to get our feelings and emotions in check. I say this because I have experienced with Sarah on occasion her getting upset when I get upset. She gets sad for me I think more so because she does not understand the full ramifications of the situation including, for example, frustrations of the economy, tragedies in the world, etc.

When I first considered writing about this topic, which I will get to shortly, I had a completely different approach in mind to take that involved tips for parents.

However, due to a recent experience now filling me with overloaded emotions and feeling like I am going to bust at the seams, I have only one direction at this point to take, and hope that you will understand.

As some of know, last year I moved my family for a great new career opportunity and to also be closer to family in a city that's also somewhat more affordable to live in compared to where we resided previously.

When we moved here nearly a year ago, our plan was to rent for a year, get to know the area, and then buy a home.

We still have that plan, but recently were sidelined.

Throughout the house hunting journey, we brought Sarah along with us to be part of the process so that she could feel apart of this milestone we were experiencing together. We also thought it would be fun for her to let her tell us which room in each of the homes we visited that she liked.

Sarah really enjoyed being part of this endeavor with us. And, when we found the house that we loved, really loved, with her room already picked out, it was great to know that she was involved in this big family decision.

However, after countless hours of searching, researching, visiting many homes, and eventually finding "THE" home and getting as far as the contract process including inspections and money spent, the deal went south. The culprit -- an empty oil tank that years ago leaked and inevitably contaminated the soil.

It turns out that after several tests on the soil, this is a much bigger problem that needs a lot of time to repair and resolve. Our attorney even strongly advised us to walk away as there is no certainty as to when this problem can be fully resolved, and the appropriate paperwork received to enable occupancy.

As a result, I have experienced sleepless nights thinking about what to do about the house. Daniel spent hours in conversations with attorneys, environmental experts and people with similar stories to share. We were so close. So very close.

The incredibly hard part about all of this was the time, devotion and emotion dedicated to this deal to then have it fall out from under neath us in the eleventh hour.

I feel deflated. I am spent. I want to cry but haven't had the chance to do so as I need to keep it together not just for me and Daniel, but for Sarah as well. It's not that Sarah is upset about the loss of this house. At her age she doesn't fully understand what's happening.

I can't fathom how I will find it in me to go through this process again without feeling incredibly cautious and negative expecting something like this or something else to happen that will impact our ability to find the house of our dreams, near our price range and in a desired location.

Buying a home is a stressful process. Daniel and I know this all too well as we have done this before. We get it. We understand it.

However, no matter how well versed one is in the real estate market every home is different. Every experience is different. It's like every child is different and cannot be compared (the latter point is another blog for another time in the future).

Today, I felt like my cup runneth over and that venting was necessary for me to begin to move past this and start fresh.

I am pouring my figurative tears into each and every word that I write here. I feel the emotion boiling up in me with tears desperately wanting to fall out of my face. I know that if I lose it now it will be hard to get back on track to start this painfully, arduous process all over again. In some instances I think, okay, just get out a good cry and move on. In this case I don't want to even let myself get there, and just move on.

On top of it all, what makes losing the house even more painful is how good a deal we were able to negotiate including a good interest rate during this volatile economy.

It sucks. It really, really, really sucks.

Now, if I were you reading this and seeing this from the outside in I would say to me, "get a hold of's not the end of the world."

Yes. You would be right to say that.

However, what I am feeling now is defeat and no desire to get all pumped up and excited again should we be deflated yet again.

I know that I need to pick myself up and get right back up on the horse. And, as a parent, of course I would be telling the exact same thing to Sarah to help encourage her not to feel saddled by unfortunate situations that may come in life.

It still sucks. It still really, really, really sucks.

I feel reluctant that we will be able to find the home of our dreams without feeling like we are settling. I know that this sounds extreme, and it is. It's what I am feeling right now. Do you hear the vulnerability, frustration, anger and exhaustion speaking?

There are likely some of you, many of you saying, "get over it" or "that is was not meant to be." Now I am just sounding immature. Well, it's very likely I would say these very things to me or anyone else in this situation. It doesn't make the sting of this situation feel any less painful.

Tonight, we got back on the saddle. Still, it sucks. We went back to look at homes we have already looked at but are looking at them with different eyes. We have a benchmark, the home we loved, that we are now comparing everything too.

So, as I write these final words, I think I need to have an all out real cry, pick my self up, get back online and begin the search all over again. I may need more caffeine tomorrow, more confidence the day after and many hugs from Sarah and Daniel in the days to come to make this blow in our house hunting journey less painful.

Wish us luck. I know that the right thing to say is that the house we are meant to be in is out there or something close to it, and that we need to just keep looking and we will find it.

Be kind to me, be gentle as my wounds are fresh and open. I may need time to heal from this as I really had visions of our future establishing roots in this new home.

I know this seems silly the way that I am acting and how I am feeling, but it is what it is. So, thank you for letting me vent and express what I needed to say as I don't want to let it all out and become and emotional mess in front of Sarah where reasoning is just not yet present in my mind with this situation.

Maybe tomorrow, the day after or next week I will feel renewed strength to embrace this process again. In the meantime, if you see me in person or online please be nice to me, hug me or give me a smile and tell me it will all be okay.

Just like we do as parents, as adults we need pep talks too and words of encouragement and solace to get us through difficult situations. I know that this experience is not life threatening and that there are many more terrible things to worry about.

I should be thankful for many things, and I am. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, amazing daughter and family and friends who love and support me every step of the way. I am blessed and need to keep reminding myself of that.

Here's to getting back on the horse...Giddy up.

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